


But God, I want to feel again

by casuallyconfused



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Angst, Becca Gilroy deserves the world, Becca/Shelby was an attack on me personally, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Shelby comes out, Shelby tells a story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:15:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28748307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casuallyconfused/pseuds/casuallyconfused
Summary: Shelby drew in a deep breath and sat up at as straight as she could manage. “Okay, you want a story? I can do that.”The girls' heads all snap toward Shelby and their eyes widen, none of them prepared for the sharp tone that left her mouth.“This is a story about two best friends, they had known each other for years and had seen each other through all of the awkward phases that come with the territory of growin’ up.” Shelby starts.orShelby comes out to the girls through a drunken story.
Relationships: Becca Gilroy/Shelby Goodkind, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 8
Kudos: 247





	But God, I want to feel again

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning- mentions of abuse and suicide also internalized homophobia.
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to read this!! I'm more of a reader than a writer but Shelby's storyline punched me directly in the face.

It’s late, the time of night where lips loosen as the wind starts to settle down in preparation for the secrets that are just waiting to escape. The conversation flows easily between the girls who are all coming down off of the high from the gummies they had taken earlier. The girls are gathered by the fire, telling stories of their lives back home.

Leah leans up against Fatin’s side laughing at Fatin’s animated retelling of the time that she was thrown out of class for being too vulgar, Rachel and Nora laughing at Dot being jostled around by Fatin’s rapid hand movements that accompany the story. Dot lifts her head off of Fatin’s lap to get away from the Fatin’s enthusiastic hands that are just about to hit her in the face, moving to check that each girl is accounted for, sitting up abruptly when she realizes that her count is off. 

“Wait, seven? Umm guys? Do any of y’all know where Shelby is?” Dot asks the other girls careful to try and keep the worry out of her voice.

“No need to worry Dot, she’s just sitting out by the water.” Rachel says seeing right through the Dot's nonchalant act, pointing to a huddled figure about thirty feet away. 

At this all seven girls glance toward Shelby and then each other. None of them are too sure what to make of this, usually Shelby is overly involved in any sort of bonding situation proposing games and ideas. They were just getting used to her endless amounts of irritating positivity and now she decides to stalk off quiet and alone. 

“She’s still really drunk isn’t she?” whispers Toni directing her comment toward Dot. 

“I don’t think she’s ever drank this much, maybe she’s just getting used to being drunk?” offers Dot.

“Maybe one of us should go check on her? Bring her closer to the fire at least, the temperature is dropping really fast tonight and it’ll be colder that close to the water.” says Nora.

“Hey Shelby!” Fatin calls loudly, “We’re telling stories by the fire, so get your ass up here this is a celebration!”

This shocks Shelby out of her trance, she shakes off the memory she had lost herself in and puts on her pageant winning smile. Picking up the almost empty bottle of vodka, she stumbles her way toward the fire. Her smile is brittle and her eyes are glassy as they meet Toni’s and quickly snap away.

“Sorry y’all I guess I just got a little caught up thinking out there, this is my first time drinking and I guess I went a little overboard.” She explains.

“What were you thinking about?” Martha asks sweetly.

“Yeah Shelby, you don’t seem all that excited about going home? You haven’t suggested a single game, and you don’t look so hot.” says Leah.

All the girls could see that something was off with Shelby, she looked cagey, like she would rather be anywhere but sitting at this bonfire having this conversation.

“Maybe we should just go back to telling stories.” Toni suggests staring into the fire in an attempt to avoid the group’s eyes.

“Good idea Toni, why don’t we get little miss perfect here to tell us a story.” Rachel suggests playfully adding a twang to her voice, “Go on then, tell us all about the glorious life you’ve got waiting for you back home, and how blessed you are to be able to finally return.”

The girls all laugh, not expecting Shelby to take the bait. Dot opens her eyes to see Shelby sitting across from her with a thoughtful look on her face and her mood sobers pretty quickly. She had only seen that look once before and that was just a couple seconds before her outburst with the mussels. This was a look of what could only be described as fear and determination. 

Shelby drew in a deep breath and sat up at as straight as she could manage. “Okay, you want a story? I can do that.”

The girls' heads all snap toward Shelby and their eyes widen, none of them prepared for the sharp tone that left her mouth. 

“This is a story about two best friends, they had known each other for years and had seen each other through all of the awkward phases that come with the territory of growin’ up.” Shelby starts.

The other girls, sensing that they really were about to be told a story, settle into more comfortable positions and direct their full attention to Shelby. They were excited to hear another sweet story from Shelby’s seemingly ideal childhood.

“These two girls shared everything, blankets, snacks, even secrets. One of the girls, Becca, well she had it pretty rough at home. Her Daddy was a real mean man who spent most of his time yellin’ at anyone and everyone, and her Mama well she liked to drink. So, as often as she could she was over at her best friend’s house.” Shelby looked at her audience who seemed eager to listen and locked eyes with Toni.

“Becca told her friend everything, why she hated her home, the dark thoughts she would have, and the way that she thought that they would never go away. And her best friend she would listen and she would hug her friend and she would sing. She would sing and sing until Becca had fallen asleep in her arms and she knew that her friend was safe.” At this Shelby looked down towards her fingers which were nervously raking through the sand.

“So you’re the friend right?” interrupted Rachel, causing a pained, bitter laugh to erupt from Shelby who continued the story like nothing had happened.

“One night Becca’s daddy goes too far, he yells something a little too mean, a little too true. And Becca well she couldn’t take it anymore, she takes matters into her own hands and she ends up in the hospital. Her friend rushed over to the hospital and waited outside her room for days and days hoping for some good news.” 

The girls now look around nervously like they can all feel the tension in the air, and can see the tension in Shelby’s body. They all sit up and lean forward anxious to hear the story’s happy ending. It has to have a happy ending.

Toni meanwhile, can’t take her eyes off of Shelby’s hands which have moved on from the sand to scratching patterns into her calf. Thin lines of angry red skin, that aren’t too happy about being imprinted into her skin. She wants to tell Shelby to stop, that she doesn’t owe anyone anything especially not her story, but she won’t. It’s not her place, and Shelby will do what she wants regardless.

“And good news she gets, Becca is going to be okay. She is just the same as the friend remembers and she vows to take care of Becca. They grow a little older and everything is good. Becca doesn’t go dark and her friend makes sure that things never get that bad again. They go bowlin' once a week even though Becca’s friend is maybe the worst bowler ever and more often than not Becca is at her friend’s house to help with pageant preparations.” Shelby says and the tears pooling in her eyes give away that this isn’t the happy ending that the other girls were hoping for.

“But you see Becca’s friend couldn’t share her secrets. How could she when they were buried so deep inside of herself that most days she could pretend that they didn’t exist? So there was always this secret hanging over their heads like a guillotine. And as they grew up Becca’s friend started to notice little things. The way that Becca’s smile was the kindest thing she’d ever seen, and how the sound of Becca’s laugh made her stomach do flips, and she realized that secrets don’t stay locked up forever no matter how strong the lock.”

Dot locks eyes with Fatin as they both sit up straighter and mouths “What the fuck?” while Fatin just nods her head slowly with wide eyes. Rachel looks to Nora with confusion and Leah gasps loudly. They can finally see where this story is going and they are eager to hear the ending.

Shelby takes a deep breath to steady herself, willing her eyes not to move towards Toni whose hand had been grabbed tightly by Martha. She knows that if she looks at Toni whatever she sees in her eyes will render her unable to finish her story. So she keeps her eyes towards the fire and wipes at her eyes where stray tears had begun to leak.

Dropping the pretense she continues with her story, “One day I was trying on my prettiest pageant dress and I sang Becca’s favorite song to her and the moment was electric and I kissed her. And in that moment it was as if we existed in our own little world as she leaned back and stared at me with wide, trusting eyes. But then my Daddy came in and that world came crashing down around me. I knew that he was aware of what he had walked in on and as much as I tried to play it off I couldn’t.”

Dot moves from her spot and sits next to Shelby, laying her hand over Shelby’s both to give her a sense of comfort and to stop the vicious scratching that she was doing to her leg. 

“He didn’t talk to me for a week after that, and the first words he said were that he would hate for me to make this choice and end up alone. So I took back my choice, I stopped seeing Becca and when she came to my house to force me to talk to her I threw every regret she had into her face, said every single hurtful thing I could think of to get her out of my life. I couldn’t be around her and play the perfect straight daughter I needed to be.” 

Shelby pauses like she can’t get this next part out and lets out a single heart wrenching sob. Tears are streaming down her face and she is gripping onto Dot’s hand like it’s the only thing keeping her afloat. Her other hand making its way into her hair. 

“It was two weeks later that I found out that my best friend was dead. She felt so alone that she didn’t want to be alive anymore. And that was my fault. I did that. I was so selfish that I thought I was the only one struggling. I couldn’t pretend anymore. Pretending was what had killed her in the first place and my Daddy sent me away to be fixed and I’m so sorry Toni. I’m so so sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren’t safe to be yourself. I’m so sorry, I’m sorry.” Shelby sobs out while burying both hands into her hair.

Toni’s head snaps up at the sound of her name and she hurriedly wipes her eyes when she realizes all the other girls are staring at her too. Martha and Dot are openly crying while looking expectantly at Toni like she was the one who was going to fix this. Leah and Fatin were looking at Shelby with matching horrified expressions, and Nora, with tears streaming down her face, was holding Rachel’s head to her chest in a tight hug and rocking her as she cried. 

“Shelby-” Toni starts, quickly clearing her throat as her voice breaks, “Shelby, angel, please look at me.”

This was the softest anyone had ever heard Toni’s voice as she stood and made her way over to Shelby. 

“You’ve made some mistakes, pretty big shitty mistakes, but this wasn’t your fault. You hear me? I’m okay. You’re okay. You don’t have to go back to them. I promise. Between the seven of us there is room for you somewhere. I’ve got you I promise.” She said as she pulled Shelby into her arms.

“You’re safe we’ve got you, I’ve got you” Toni repeated while gently holding Shelby as she cried into her chest and placing a kiss on her forehead. 

All the other girls quickly gathered around and enveloped Shelby in their arms promising to do their best to help her once they’re off the island. And for the first time in a long while Shelby felt safe.


End file.
